I have stress and anger problems. I've started grinding my teeth at night again. It's not okay.
This whole "what color is the dress" thing - which is about perception, not a dress - became fascinating to half of the world, and annoying to the other half. That other half of my friends list felt the need to bitch at us about it.
I actually got tagged in a post making fun of it. Isn't that goddamn classy of her. (She got deleted, by the way.)
I'm learning more about myself and what makes me happy. I am drinking less beer and more tea. I am working out and playing music more than playing video games and watching TV. I feel good usually. I am learning.
Dropping Facebook and all of that negativity is the next step i think. I haven't been on in almost 11 hours, and i already feel better.
Why can't people just let it lay. Just keep scrolling. Why do you have to make fun of people and call them stupid. Your own friends. Simply because of something they thought was interesting.
It almost breaks my heart...
Through all of this - getting the dreads, realizing stuff from Mitty, hating drunk Starlie, etc - i have a lot of changes coming my way. I have a lot of adventures that i'm already planning. My summer is going to be full of outdoor adventures especially. Many mountains climbed, ziplines zipped, lakes kayaked, things seen, things done. More adventures, less bar time, less Big Bang Theory (though cuddle time in pajamas with Colin is also important), less being bored at lame parties that i have no desire to be at (but more time at good parties with my tribe).
That is what i meant by my Facebook status. I fell in the mud, i puked and cried and hated myself very much, and then i woke up, and i changed things, and this is the beginning, and i am excited. <3
So a couple of months ago, i was at a Brevard-area burner shindig, talking to my friends Jessalyn and Kay. We were talking about hair, because we're gurls. (ha) I was standing there, wearing my hair back in its usual state: Two little buns on each side (no, not like Princess Leia) with an old peace sign TITS volunteer bandana. It's cute and all, but it's what i always do. Same thing every day.
Sometimes i take my hair down in front of people, and they say "OHMYGOD Starlie i had no idea your hair was so long it's so pretty OMG!!"
Yep. It's long.
Try having fine straight as fuck long-ass hair down to your butt. It's pretty. It's also a huge pain in the ass, and takes way more patience than what i have, so i keep it back, out of my face.
Jess and Kay are really good friends, and have seen my hair down multiple times.
And Jess says "You know, it's weird: Everyone i know with long hair keeps it back and out of the way."
And i said "I know. Why have long hair to begin with then?"
Fast forward to the week of Christmas. Colin and i are in the Cleveland Ohio area visiting my family (parents/brother) for the holiday. And i am in the old house that younger self more dorky Starlie grew up in. And i am seeing old friends of my former self, who are good people, but different from my tribe now, and yes, i will say it: Not nearly as cool. We will gather, children, and we will talk about Facebook games. OMG Mafia Wars OMG OMG. Really?
I was talking to my mom one of the evenings we were there. Telling her about what Jess had said about people with long hair. Feeling like a far cooler chick than the Ohio Starlie was. Looking at older photos of me back when i had shorter (and pretty cute) hair. Trying to comb out the knots in my own hair, frustrated, as i had just combed it the day before. Wanting to just flipping shave my head.
Then hair realization #1 hit me: Why don't you just cut it? That style you had it at years ago was cute. Cool idea. I think i will.
Then 16 year old Starlie's voice echoed in my head: "Hey, man, Ani fucking DiFranco! I want dreads, but i don't have the guts, or the long hair for it! I've wanted dreads for awhile! They're sexy as hell!"
Roughly 12 years of wanting dreads, but not thinking i'd ever have the guts for it.
Wanting to cut my hair anyway. Being done with the knots and the long gazillions of strands constantly in my face, or it all tied back.
Thinking of my good friend Jazmin, who is really good at doing dreads, does it professionally now, lives half an hour from me, looking for clients...
I was done. And i said to my mom: "You know what? I think i'm going to get dreads."
Fast forward to the Mitty stage: I've discussed the dread idea with Jazz by now, but i'm putting it off by a couple of months. Why? Eh, who knows.
So, here's a nice little interruption of this story, but a vital part of it. Colin had a birthday party at our house back on the 10th. I drank too much. Well, i believe 4 beers and 2 shots over the entire evening, and i had the excuse of "it's my house, i'm not driving anywhere", but i got far drunker than i intended. I ended the night - after pretty much everyone was gone - by puking. The next morning was one of the sickest days i've had in a long time. I threw up at least twice. I have a clear memory of holding a bowl under my face, having just yakked again, sitting there on my bed, shaking, tears running down my face, thinking "please god, make it stop!"
Yeah. Fabulous way to spend a Saturday night: Drunk as fuck. Wonderful way to spend an entire Sunday: Sick as hell, miserable, and seriously disappointed with myself. That disappointment was the worst.
The next day, i felt better (of course). Had the Mitty soundtrack playing. Reflected on the weekend. And i decided to quit postponing my adventures: I contacted Jazmin, and we scheduled the dreads thing for the following Thursday/Friday.
So came the dread journey.
Dreadheads use that word. "Journey". Wtf, it's just a crazy hairdo, right? It's bad enough i'm calling it an adventure, but a journey? Come on now. Right?
But i understand now. Let me explain this to those who've never been through it.
I'm not sure if the journey is the same for everyone. This was mine.
Everyone is afraid of change, and dreads are a huge change. Superficial, only skin deep to the person looking, but it is a very big change.
I finally got the guts to contact Jazz to make it happen. I decided, and i scheduled. That was the first step in the journey.
Last Thursday, i drove to Jazmin's house. I was excited and scared. She spend the day - up til 1am - doing pretty much just the backcombing. (This creates the dreads, but they're SUPER fuzzy and not locked looking or tight at all.) She fully dreaded the two spots in the front where i always color them pink or blue. I looked ridiculous. I looked like a fucking clown. She assured me it would not look that way once she crocheted them the next day, so while i didn't like to look at myself in the mirror at that point, i tried to believe her.
Friday morning came. I slept on the futon in the livingroom, while Jazz and her boyfriend slept in their bedroom. I woke up about an hour before they did, and i sat there, in the early morning light, in the silence, alone with my thoughts.
"You look stupid. Your hair is huge. You're going to look so bad with these. It's going to be awful, and then your only option is to walk around looking stupid, cut it super short (which will also make you look dumb), or pay Jazz even more to comb them out, which will be so sad."
Jazz eventually got up, and the work began a little while later. She worked all day again, tightening the dreads and making them actual dreads. The fuzz disappeared. I looked better, but i still looked weird. They were so poofy and weird.
At one point, Netflix stopped, and it was a little while before we restarted it again, so it was just silence. I sat there in the silence, letting Jazz put dreads in my hair, feeling like i looked stupid, still.
"What are people going to think?" I thought. "The folks at the party tomorrow will give me strange looks, like i just peed on the cake. MY COWORKERS! God, they're going to laugh and make fun of me and think i look awful. :("
The silence continued.
"...You know what though? Who gives a fuck what my coworkers think? Who gives a fuck what anyone of them thinks? I was not put on this earth to be liked by others. I don't do things to be accepted and liked by the masses."
Shortly before 8 that night, Jazz was done. The dreads were finished. She seemed really happy with her work, so i jumped up and went to look in the mirror. They were still weird and poking out, and i didn't know if i liked them or not. The fall of my heart deep into my gut was strong. I couldn't tell if i was disappointed that i looked bad with dreads, or was scared because fuck: now i'm stuck with them.
Would i ever be okay with this?
I went home, and was still unsure. Colin was happy to see me, and didn't wince when he saw me, so that was good. lol I messed around a little with styles that i could pull off. I played with my dreads a bit. I kept taking selfies and looking at them. We started to make friends.
Then i realized something: When done right, goddamn, i am rocking the shit out of this look. I realized that i looked sexy. (Or, at least, *i* thought i looked sexy.)
The next day, i went to a surprise birthday party for someone, then on to a friend's gig. Despite the number of friends i saw, only one person commented on the dreads (and luckily, it was a positive comment, but it did come from a woman i didn't know, who had bright purple hair. lol)
All this did was drill it more into my head: I feel fucking sexy and confident with these dreads. I feel like a truly new person, it's weird. More than anything i've ever done with my appearance before, i really feel different, in a very very good way.
And i don't give an ever loving fuck if others don't like it. It's not their hair.
I feel beautiful, i feel strong, i feel like the adventurer that Mitty and i wanted to be.
This was a crazy transformation that i did not see coming. Well, i wanted it to come, but i REALLY didn't expect it to, even in my most confident pre-dread moments.
That was the journey. The beginning, anyway. I understand now.
My life is starting to really swirl and change. I've posted hinting statuses about it on Facebook, but no details. This is the story.
I moved here to the Asheville area in 2011, just a few days before Transformus. It was a whirlwind. My dad came with me for Tfus and to help me move. Get to the house, unload all of my shit, sleep, head to Deerfields. There was no stopping.
Transformus happened, my dad went back to Ohio and i stayed here, tears were shed. Things had to be adjusted to as my world had turned slightly upsidedown. That year too, the next month, Colin and i drove across country together and went to Burning Man.
Everything was new and exciting. It was a nonstop adventure. I loved it.
3 1/2 years later, here i am. I still love where i live, i still love Colin (of course!), and ultimately, i'm still happy, but every day i went to work, every evening we watched Family Guy and Big Bang Theory, every weekend we went to the same coffee shop and usually the same bar to order - typically - the same beer. What was once a new world had become the everyday automatic. I began to really hate Big Bang Theory with a passion. lol
So recently, i finally sat down to see the new version of "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty". I know it probably didn't effect anyone else quite like it's shaken me, but that movie had me in tears, on a personal level. No, i'm not like Mitty in the beginning of the movie. Example: I have been places, i have seen things, i have had experiences. I can't get into biking right now because i rode my poor bike across the Black Rock desert a bit too much whilst wearing a tutu and frilly panties and nothing else, and it still has playa dust in its chains. Yes, i do remember when the effigy fell early at Transformus 2006. I was there and saw it fall. Yes, i have had my feet in the ocean on both sides of this country.
But living the same-thing-everyday life that i've developed was bothering me more than i had realized. Mitty put me to tears. He dreamed of having the courage to do things and go on adventures, and then, he actually really does them.
I watched that movie 3 times in 3 days. It was ridiculous.
But that, children, was the awakening.
CONTINUED IN PART 2...
Oct. 31st, 2014 @ 11:28 am
I try to spare my Facebook friends from having to hear about my workout stuff and weight loss things and stuff and things and stuff, but i want to shout it to the world anyway, so here goes. Feel free to pass this post up if this kind of stuff bores you (and i understand if it does!)
In almost 2 months, i've lost 21lbs.
That actually means that i'm halfway to my goal weight, which is just crazy. *yeeee!*
From July to Thanksgiving(ish), i've dropped alcohol. I'm currently in a low carb high fat diet thing called "ketogenic". I work out at work (in a factory), and on my days off, via dancey (lol). I'm 20lbs away from where i was when i first moved here, before i, er, got fat-ish. I feel better in many ways! And i know exactly what caused me to gain the weight, and what not to do next time.
Oh, and my favorite pair of jeans? The ones i haven't been able to fit in in about three years? They were still super tight, but i managed to actually button them up yesterday, which was a first in terms of YEARS.
I screamed. The cat ran. lol
It's a personal joy, but it s a very happy joy. I feel like i'm winning at life a little right now. :)
Tunes: : "Pump" - The B52s
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It's funny. All of my life, i've fantasied about one thing or another. Being a princess warrior chick when i was a kid. Some kind of romance thing when i got older. Spinning fire sometimes. I just realized that nowadays, i really only fantasize about playing music. It's my dream, and it's my daydream.|
I moved away, so my old band is not playing right now. I have missed it so much. And i am so tired of waiting for others to get their shit together. Once the holidays are over, i am taking the reins. I start the music. Whoever wants to follow can follow, but god help you if you try to stop me.
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You ever feel like - because you grew up in a very different kind of world, and play by a different (and usually much smaller) set of rules - trying to play with the other kids is very difficult, because they're from a different world and play by different rules than you do?|
I pride myself in being different, but sometimes it feels very difficult to be that way when your way doesn't flow with everyone else, so you end up playing by yourself. Gets lonely sometimes, and frustrating.
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Home is where the heart is, and i am long gone. I hate living half-assed, but i can't help it. I am two months away from moving to Asheville, NC (finally, after 5 years of wanting to do so.) My heart - in every way - is there. And for two months, everything will be numb and blurry. My mind, heart, and soul is there, and my body isn't. None of this matters anymore. A last few things to take care of, a last few gigs to perform, and i'm free. For now, i feel like a ghost. An observer. This is not my place anymore. (It never really was. I've never loved Cleveland.)|
I almost look forward to being able to - many months from now - come back and visit friends and family, and be able to breath easier, and smile. Be a part, instead of a ghost.
But for now, this limbo is killing me.
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It's not a good situation that is such a clusterfuck, you never want to volunteer for anything ever again.|
Especially when it's something you really care about.
Fuck this, i'm going to be gone this entire weekend, dancing with happy Pagan hippies. They may have to knock me out to get me to come back.
When i was 5, i could just hide in the closet. This sucks. :p
Not doing this again though. Nonononono.
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You know...just about everything that has happened to me that was truly fantastic was a sudden choice.|
Take last year, for example. Last summer, i suddenly got a strong inspiration to go to Alchemy. Within 24 hours, i had purchased my ticket. And THAT was not only an amazing experience, but also something i REALLY REALLY needed at the time.
Or Burning Man: That was somewhat of a sudden-inspiration thing, though more so for my dad.
Or my very first burn: Transformus 2005. My friend went to T'fus '04, came back, raved about it, and we just got this crazy inspiration to go too.
Life has been nowhere near the same since.
Last year, i realized how sad i was that i was missing Transformus again. "Next year." I said. I spent months telling people that i'd be there. Then i noticed how uncool my financial situation had become, and spent the next couple of months telling people that i wasn't going to be able to make it.
Then, the past three weeks at work have been really busy, and i've been working *way* more than usual, earning a notable amount of extra money.
Today, i read that there were still tickets to Transformus left.
And that inspiration hit.
My dear sweet Mysterian friends: I've ordered my ticket. I will see you on the mountain!