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Dec. 20th, 2011 @ 11:12 pm
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It's funny. All of my life, i've fantasied about one thing or another. Being a princess warrior chick when i was a kid. Some kind of romance thing when i got older. Spinning fire sometimes. I just realized that nowadays, i really only fantasize about playing music. It's my dream, and it's my daydream.
I moved away, so my old band is not playing right now. I have missed it so much. And i am so tired of waiting for others to get their shit together. Once the holidays are over, i am taking the reins. I start the music. Whoever wants to follow can follow, but god help you if you try to stop me.
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Nov. 19th, 2011 @ 01:14 am
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You ever feel like - because you grew up in a very different kind of world, and play by a different (and usually much smaller) set of rules - trying to play with the other kids is very difficult, because they're from a different world and play by different rules than you do?
I pride myself in being different, but sometimes it feels very difficult to be that way when your way doesn't flow with everyone else, so you end up playing by yourself. Gets lonely sometimes, and frustrating.Feeling all: :  contemplative |
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Feb. 13th, 2011 @ 11:09 am
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Home is where the heart is, and i am long gone. I hate living half-assed, but i can't help it. I am two months away from moving to Asheville, NC (finally, after 5 years of wanting to do so.) My heart - in every way - is there. And for two months, everything will be numb and blurry. My mind, heart, and soul is there, and my body isn't. None of this matters anymore. A last few things to take care of, a last few gigs to perform, and i'm free. For now, i feel like a ghost. An observer. This is not my place anymore. (It never really was. I've never loved Cleveland.)
I almost look forward to being able to - many months from now - come back and visit friends and family, and be able to breath easier, and smile. Be a part, instead of a ghost.
But for now, this limbo is killing me.
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Jun. 17th, 2010 @ 11:20 pm
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It's not a good situation that is such a clusterfuck, you never want to volunteer for anything ever again.
Especially when it's something you really care about.
Fuck this, i'm going to be gone this entire weekend, dancing with happy Pagan hippies. They may have to knock me out to get me to come back.
When i was 5, i could just hide in the closet. This sucks. :p
Not doing this again though. Nonononono.Feeling all: :  frustrated |
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May. 5th, 2010 @ 05:41 pm
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You know...just about everything that has happened to me that was truly fantastic was a sudden choice.
Take last year, for example. Last summer, i suddenly got a strong inspiration to go to Alchemy. Within 24 hours, i had purchased my ticket. And THAT was not only an amazing experience, but also something i REALLY REALLY needed at the time.
Or Burning Man: That was somewhat of a sudden-inspiration thing, though more so for my dad.
Or my very first burn: Transformus 2005. My friend went to T'fus '04, came back, raved about it, and we just got this crazy inspiration to go too.
Life has been nowhere near the same since.
Last year, i realized how sad i was that i was missing Transformus again. "Next year." I said. I spent months telling people that i'd be there. Then i noticed how uncool my financial situation had become, and spent the next couple of months telling people that i wasn't going to be able to make it.
Then, the past three weeks at work have been really busy, and i've been working *way* more than usual, earning a notable amount of extra money.
Today, i read that there were still tickets to Transformus left.
And that inspiration hit.
My dear sweet Mysterian friends: I've ordered my ticket. I will see you on the mountain!Feeling all: :  excited |
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Just a couple of notes...
1. There's apparently some kind of bullshit gossip going around that isn't true if you actually ask the people involved (which is usually the case with gossip.) It's not about me, but it is about some of my closer friends, and i just wanted to say: My blog posts and recent life choices and shifts in thinking and so on, they have nothing to do with that crap.
Also, grown adult friends: Quit with the gossip. You're making yourself look like insecure 14-year-olds, and believe me - when you pass it on, you become a part of the story.
Sheesh.
2. On a way lighter (and more relevant) note: I've decided to stop having fun. :p With exception to going to Alchemy this year (and still basically intending to go to RR), i am not making any other travel (and so on) plans any time soon. Nothing that costs money. I need to save up my money and get my shit together. Start packing now. Stop claiming "Asheville, Asheville!", and start moving in that direction. Stop messing around. Enough's enough.
See y'all on the flip-flop...or however that expression goes...;)
Mar. 29th, 2010 @ 08:10 pm
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Sometimes you need to step off of the island you've been living on for 3 years. Having nothing to do with how very much you care about those good folk. The bitter bad taste left in your mouth from one bad seed is enough to guide you off of that rock and float on for a little while, letting your wounds heal. Standing on the horizon is the loving embrace of one who is on the outside, and you hold tight onto him with a smiling heart and renewed feeling of life. Here, everything is new. Close your eyes, and let the boat take you where it will. But you are moving, and you are well.
It's like that art piece at Burning Man. Of all of the amazing art out there, that one especially caught me. Simply the lit up letters: "Shift".
2010 has already been beautiful and fascinating and full of new worlds. I'm excited.
"Take me where love isn't up for sale
Take me where our hearts are not so frail
Take me where the fire still owns its spark
There's only one way to mend a broken heart
Teach me how to see when I close my eyes
Teach me to forgive and to apologize
Show me how to love in the darkest dark
There's only one way to mend a broken heart"
- The Wailin Jennys, "Beautiful Dawn"
Mar. 21st, 2010 @ 10:11 pm
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I have been having an amazing week/last few days, and am a little afraid that i will open my eyes and realize that it's just a dream...
...but i'm pretty sure that this is beautifully real...
Feb. 21st, 2010 @ 04:13 pm
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| » 2009 |
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I'm hearing a lot of people say how horrible 2009 was. And i look back at it myself...
I had my heart battered and beaten and then finally shattered; I had a friend totally lose her mind on me and put me in bad situations numerous times (one of which was numerous states away from where i live, and more than one were teetering well into a territory of actual danger), which also turned out to be directly related to one of the very few actual regrets i've ever had; i had my first bad burn event (via my own experiences); my family continued to struggle like hell financially (though note: we're okay now!); and i lost my long time best friend (my sweet sweet kitty).
I mostly kept it together emotionally, which is more than i can say about 2006, so seeing as how i didn't feel the draw to commit suicide, 2006 was the worst emotional year. But in terms of events, man, it's hard to say. My parents were finally not in the hospital (thank the Gods!), but there were so many other things.
In terms of events, this may have been the worst.
And yet...i see all of this shit, and i see how much stronger i grew, and how much i learned, and how much i grew up. And i see how much i proved to myself that i can handle, i can handle, i can handle, and i can do it without becoming bitter and lost. I sailed through a sea of misfortune, and i came out smiling.
That's way more than i would have thought.
(And of course, i do have to note that there were fantastic things about this year as well. Alchemy and all of my new friends comes to mind. I am richer with you in my life!)
I am going into 2010 feeling secure, strong, and confident. Sail on!
Dec. 30th, 2009 @ 07:09 pm
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You know that when you're fine with the idea of going to work, but full of anxiety about driving there and back, you have a rather odd problem.
You also know that because you work on the bad side of town, the bus isn't too much of an option.
Shmoo. :(
Dec. 29th, 2009 @ 10:13 pm
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